2/20/08

“Use Me, Lord” – Yikes!

I bounce back and forth between excitement over God’s recent calling in my life, and total, unreasonable fear. When I came to God with an open heart and hands, He called me to share the message of “choices” with women. “Fine,” I said, “I will write for You, Lord—no problem.” But that was the problem. Writing was something I could probably do with a measure of success, in the flesh.

I imagine that God smiled when He called me to speak, knowing how it would stretch me and force me to run to Him over and over again. I struggled with the calling, back and forth between anticipation and the desire to run away. Like Moses (Exodus 4:10), I protested, “Father, I cannot speak. Remember how I tend to get all stutter-y when I speak?” It was already a miracle, I’d decided, when God called me to teach a group of women at my church, but they were friends. How would I ever stand before a large group of women—strangers—if God opened a door? Again, I had to return to that submissive, open heart-open hands position. I took my fears to the foot of the throne where fear of man succumbed to worshipful fear of God. I did not come boldly, but I did find grace to help until He gave me more courage (Hebrews 4:16).

Actually, I’m thankful that God didn’t give me much time to mess up His calling with my emotional churning. He baptized me in an unexpected last-minute speaking engagement, and I’m now preparing for a number of events, including three women’s retreats. Each event will require me to say, “I love you and I give you my fears (I John 4:18).”

We cannot foresee the challenges or blessings that may come our way, but surrendering our fears and concerns to our great, enabling God is always the wise choice—and who knows what He will do when we come to Him with open hands?

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